COGSC RELATIONSHIP

SEMINAR HIGHLIGHTS

July 24, 2004, Pasadena – Dr David Antion, pastor of the Church of God Southern California, today hosted a special after-services seminar on “Relationships – the Easy and the Difficult.” He began by requesting those attending, as just under twenty households and groups logged in on the Guardian Ministries teleservices network listened in, to list characteristics of people “easy” and “difficult” (reproduced here) to get along with. 

The meeting was the second of an anticipated series of periodic after-services seminars on a variety of topics.  All of the seminars are intended to expand the practical Christian development and awareness of participants.

It quickly became apparent by comparing the two lists, both given here, that many of the listed points were actually opposites of each other.  With this in mind, consciously striving to emphasize the “easy” characteristics will enable us to avoid falling into the “difficult” category.

 But what of the “difficult people that we encounter?

Dr Antion noted five conscious habits that can be applied in deal-ing with such individuals – he also listed eleven phrases to avoid, as they will tend to inflame difficult people – and how to respond if used on us.

Leaps

 The five conscious habits, he suggested, could be remembered by the acronym LEAPS – the first letters of which have meaning as follows:

·        L = Listen: Attentive behavior

·        E = Empathize: Be “into you” relative to the other person

·        A = Ask: “What if?” – let them talk

·        P = Paraphrase: Let them know you are trying to understand their view

·        S = Summarize: Express understanding

LEAPS are like judo vs. karate --- it doesn’t oppose it re-directs. It is based on the principle that a soft answer turns away wrath.  

Two ways of defusing hostility 

Emmanuel Smith came up with two methods of dealing with unreasonable people:

·        The ”Broken Record” response:

Formulate key statements and repeat them softly, gently and with empathy – over and over again.  “I understand how you feel – but I need you to…”(With this approach it doesn’t matter what they say to you because you know what you want them to do.)

·        The “Fogging”: response

If the person makes a statement which is factual, but is intended to intimidate – simply say “that’s true”

If the person makes a statement which is accusatory, 90% of the time with an inferral of guilt, (“you’re hateful – etc.”) take the opposite and say you could be more or less of it. Examples: “I know I could be more loving than I am” “I know I could be neater than I am” “I know I could be more organized than I am,” “I know I could be less of a clutter bug.”

The Eleven “no-no” terms 

The 11 “no-no” terms are things that should never be said, because they simply inflame.  Preferable is the use of their more deferential counterparts.  But it’s difficult to do this, for it means that you have to be able to “stand” for someone to be upset with you.  This is a critical principle in dealing with difficult people! If you are wrapped up in defending your ego you will not be able to do this effectively!  It is essential to discover and understand why people are difficult.  Maybe they are in pain, maybe they are “strung out” and irritable, in any event one needs to divest themselves of personal ego and instead empathize. 

The eleven terms, their counterparts and suggested responses are: 

1)          “Come HERE!!” (Commanding, demanding tone, instead of “Could you help me?)

In response say: “I’m sorry, what did you mean to say?”

2)          “You wouldn’t understand!” (Instead of, “I know this may be difficult but. . .)

In response say, “Try me – I would like to.”

3)          “Because those are the rules.” (Instead of, “I’m sure you realize there is a logical reason for this.)

In response say, “Help me understand why the rule was made.”

4)          “It’s none of your business”. (Instead of, I know you care, but its difficult for me to involve others in this)

In response say, “It is my business – and perhaps I should explain why…”

5)          “What do you want ME to do about it?” (Instead of: “realistically I may not be able to help, but I welcome your suggestions)

In response say “I’ll be happy to explain and show how you could help”

6)          “Calm down!” (Instead of a more empathetic  “I understand you are upset, but can you try taking a deep breath and slow down a bit so I can get to where you are at?””

In response say, “I’m obviously not calm, and there are reasons!”

7)    “What’s your problem?” (Instead of: “would you share with me what’s really bothering you?”

In response say, “It’s not entirely just my problem, but I need help with it.”

8)    “You never… or … You always” (Instead of “Have you noticed that there are times when”)

In response say “It seems like I never or always, but… let’s talk about your concerns.”

9)    “I’m not going to say this again!” (Instead of “I know you’d probably rather not hear about this again)

In response say “I got it!”

10)    I’m doing this for your own good! (Instead of “I’m sure you realize that I had some other option.”

In response say “You’re trying to help, but I need to make my own decisions and find my own solutions – because I know me better than you do.”

11)    “Why don’t you be reasonable?”  (Instead of “I think we need to examine each others views on this”?

In response say, ”I’m being as reasonable as I know how – let’s take the time to work this out.”

A Final Note 

The #1 problem in many relationships, Dr. Antion pointed out in conclusion, is when one person attempts to “remake” another person.  We need to accept who they are or don’t be their friend. Otherwise people will resist and you’ll think they are difficult -- and they’ll think you are!